Blah blah blah!!!

I remember being younger and just wanting to be so grown-up and now that I am grown-up I want to be young SO bad. The ONLY thing I like about being grown-up is my daughter.  I LOVE knowing her and being with her and watching her grow and see her explosive personality come to life and see her eyes light up at some of life's simplicity since there is not much of it. She is the only thing that keeps me going and what a good job she is doing because believe me I want to give up on an hourly basis.  It takes everything I have to stay put in my chair and not leaving screaming "FUCK YOU!! And you and you!!!!!"

Being a grown up fucking sucks.  I hate paying bills.  Working wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for someone else and on there conditions.  I have to wake up early, wash my hair and look somewhat presentable while I would much rather stay in my jammies.  I have to cook, clean and buy my own food.  I have to wash and fold my own laundry and frankly that is the chore that blows the most.  I have to drive a car that I bought myself, pay for my own gas and pay my sky rocketing car and health insurance. Who the fuck thinks when they are a kid "gosh I hope I have a great medical, dental and great 401k plan when I'm old." This grown up thing really, fucking sucks!!  And you don't get to see your friends on a daily basis.  Now your friends are old getting plastic surgery and botox and are too busy to talk to one other about daily life and their secret crush!!  Now it's all about how gravity is no longer our friend and how we hate our jobs but we have to work to barely keep our heads above water.  Now that I am old my hangovers last days when they used to be nonexistent.  WTF!?!?!?!

I will try my damnest to try to explain all the awesomeness that comes with being a kid and the minimal responsibilities to Maizy.  She will be here soon enough but how do I explain this to her when my parents tried to do the same and I was like "shut the fuck up, so I can go rally your car, get drunk and kiss random boys!!!"

Yeah yeah yeah!!!

So I am fat.  What gives!?!?  I want to talk about other shit too!!!  I do want to be skinny, but obviously not bad enough if I am not doing anything about it.

I have been here many times.  I want to be skinny.  So either I get pissed off enough at my fatness that I do something about it or I just bitch and cry silently to myself at night. 

The last time I was really successful at losing weight everything else was going superb.  Know what I mean?  I lived in a beautiful house, my house was always clean, I loved my job, I thought I was in love,  I was getting married,  I had money to spend on darling clothes, I worked with young, fun girls that we motivated each other, talked about young love and fashion. 

Well now I have a beautiful extraordinary daughter, a kind and loving partner, a house that needs some TLC, I hate my boss with a fucking passion and she hates me and see as how I am at work most of my time it makes me miserable,  I am the breadwinner for my family which adds a lot of stress, I have no fun co-workers to talk to and I am SUPER tired 24/7.  This should be the time of my life.  I should say fuck it to everyone and just cherish what's important, but I can't seem too. HELP!!!!!

I need to get in shape before Michael will ever impregnate me again but I guess until we are ready and it's crunch time I may do just that. 

But for now I will bitch about being fat, not cute and not wanting to change.  I will just enjoy my daughter and my partner for now until I decide I want to change for me, or Maizy says "my momma so fat................"

Peace.